How Prison Freed Me

15 Jul How Prison Freed Me

Being a leader for the Coaches Training Institute (CTI) was an incredible path that kept me in a state of transformation. There were those gloriously fun moments when you got to co-lead with a leader you adored.

Such was the moment for myself and Helen House in 2004, co-leading in Englewood Federal Prison. I was secretly confronting my illogical fear of being jailed while I taught, which raised my stress level considerably. Helen was being her brilliant self. I adored Helen. She has a combination of fierce courage and deep vulnerability that is as inspiring as it is sexy cool. Here we are, in front of 25 men who aren’t allowed to feel, teaching and crying as we felt their pain.

Helen was the lead, as she had been with these men before. The moment she walked into the room, they all shouted, “Got your toilet paper for your tears, Helen?” She pulled out a roll from her purse and they broke out in laughter. Clearly they loved her as I did. Her compassion, her tears had reached them.

Somewhere during the training we became locked in a battle around how we delivered the curriculum. I was entering the work fresh from a training where the owners had been clear about not changing the curriculum to meet the needs of the participant. “Keep the integrity” was my mantra. Helen hadn’t attended that meeting and I was adamant that she was doing it contrary to the owners’ desires.

Helen was clear that she was doing it exactly as the curriculum required and in keeping with integrity of it. After exhausting days of leading in an intense environment, I sat trying to convince her to shift her teaching. We agreed that we were more dedicated to each other than to the misunderstanding. Love ruled. Weeks after the event, we tried to talk it out. Frustrated and exhausted, we called in a neutral party, Elaine Jaynes, to facilitate.

Within 10 minutes, Elaine had us pegged. After listening to each of us, Elaine asked one question and it was all over. All the miscommunication was dissolved by each of our answers. We giggled and  laughed at our silliness and virtually fell into each other’s arms. The question? Elaine asked, “What does integrity mean to you?” One word–multiple definitions.

I bow to Helen for teaching me to put our love first and for staying with me in eye of the storm and not letting go of what mattered most. I bow to Elaine for teaching me that being understood undermined seeking to understand. (Did I mention that as a coach, listening is the first skill we learn?)

I wondered how often I used words to imprison others or myself. There is value in shutting up, in stepping out from behind the words to hear what is trying to be expressed. I’m a talker; shutting up isn’t natural for me. I’m also a student of love, which asks me to listen into the soul of another. Beyond the words and the definition of those words lies an opportunity. Helen, my friend, my colleague, my teacher and my sister–I thank you. Elaine, you’re scary good.

xo
Melanie